Love and Marriage

I have written quite a bit about sex, but I haven’t written anything about homosexuality.

In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis talked about why he did not address the issue of gambling:

Ever since I served as an infantryman in the First World War I have had a great dislike of people who, themselves in ease and safety, issue exhortations to men in the front line. As a result I have a reluctance to say much about temptations to which I myself am not exposed. No man, I suppose, is tempted to every sin. It so happens that the impulse which makes men gamble has been left out of my make-up; and, no doubt, I pay for this by lacking some good impulse of which it is the excess or perversion. I therefore did not feel myself qualified to give advice about permissable and impermissable gambling: if there is any permissable, for I do not claim to know even that. . . . I did not think it my place to take a firm line about pains, dangers and expenses from which I am protected; having no pastoral office which obliged me to do so.

Likewise, Lewis did not address homosexuality for the exact same reason—the behavior never interested him. As I have no interest, inclination, or temptation to homosexual activity, I am not qualified to write about whether it is right, wrong, or otherwise. Nor am I qualified to give persons struggling with same sex attraction any sort of useful advice on the matter.

The Meaning of Marriage

I am not gay, but I am married, so I do have something to add to the gay marriage conversation.

My belief about marriage is that God intended for marriage to be between one man and one woman. You can read Theology of the Body, or other sources about marriage to get an understanding behind the theological reasons for why the complimentary nature of the male and the female are an essential element to marriage.  “Complementary nature” does not refer to legalistic rigid gender roles, but more in the sense of the French phrase “vive la difference“, which celebrates the qualities that make the sexes unique.

At the most concrete, physical level, the complementary nature of the sexes is necessary to have sexual intercourse and to have children together. Our experience is that there is nothing more intimate than sexual intercourse and nothing that has had a greater impact on our marriage than having children. Our children are, in a very real sense, the product of us and our union: One daughter looks like her and acts like me, the other looks like me and acts like her. I find this incredibly amazing.

A gay couple can do sexual things, but they cannot have intercourse. They can adopt children or use assisted reproduction, but they cannot have children with each other. (As for infertile couples, those struggling with infertility know more about the difficulties this causes than I could ever write.) While marriage is about far more than sex and reproduction, my own experience is that if these things were missing from our marriage, it would be would a bit like a chocolate chip cookie without the chocolate chips.

The Matter of The Law

There is, as I see it, a difference between “what God intended marriage to be” and “what relationships the law should recognize”. God “hates divorce”, but the law allows it. Even the Law of Moses allowed divorce, despite God’s opinion of it. C.S. Lewis addressed the difference between Christian marriage and legal marriage in his native United Kingdom on the issue of divorce:

Before leaving the question of divorce, I should like to distinguish two things which are very often confused. The conception of marriage is one: the other is the different question – how far Christians, if they are voters or Members of Parliament, ought to try to force their views of marriage on the rest of the community by embodying them in the divorce laws. A great many people seem to think that if you are a Christian yourself you should try to make divorce difficult for every one. I do not think that. At least I know I should be very angry if the Mahommedans tried to prevent the rest of us from drinking wine.

My own view is that the Churches should frankly recognise that the majority of the British people are not Christians and, therefore, cannot be expected to live Christian lives. There ought to be two distinct kinds of marriage: one governed by the State with rules enforced on all citizens, the other governed by the Church with rules enforced by her on her own members. The distinction ought to be quite sharp, so that a man knows which couples are married in a Christian sense and which are not.

The purpose of legal marriage, as I see it, is to encourage a stable, healthy society. It is about more than reproduction, otherwise, there would be an age cutoff. Likewise, if marriage were about reproduction, the minimum age for marriage would be puberty, not legal adulthood.

The law encourages marriage and discourages divorce. Even with “no fault divorce”, in my state, it takes 24 hours to get married and one year to get divorced, unless evidence of fault is proven. The law encourages relational stability: North Carolina still has Alienation of Affection and Criminal Conversation laws, where an aggrieved spouse can sue a third party “homewrecker” for breaking up their marriage. Stable families create a stable society. Monogamy and fidelity prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. The state has good reason to encourage marriage for reasons beyond reproduction.

So, where do gay couples fit in?

Some have argued that gay people have the same right to marry a member of the opposite sex as anyone else. I know several gay people who have married opposite-sex friends. Nearly all of them eventually divorced. Encouraging gay people to marry friends they aren’t sexually attracted to isn’t exactly a recipe for relational and social stability.

Others have argued that gay relationships are less stable than heterosexual relationships. Even assuming, for the sake of argument, that this is true, the issue in allowing gay couples to marry isn’t preferring same-sex relationships over heterosexual relationships, but preferring stable same-sex relationships over unstable transient ones.

Still others make a quasi-theological argument based on Natural Law. They argue that gay sex is unnatural and harmful, therefore society shouldn’t recognize same-sex relationships. The problem with this line of thinking is that if such activity is indeed harmful, then gay marriage opponents should be able to provide clear evidence of the harms to those who choose to engage in them vs. those who have the inclination to pursue them, but choose not to. Arguments based in the Natural Law must be supported by nature, otherwise, they are merely arguments from authority in disguise. In this case, the evidence that most people with same sex attraction are worse off in a committed gay relationship instead of attempting a heterosexual relationship or remaining celibate is scant. The argument is philosophically sound, but the facts to support it are lacking.

Others make the argument that “marriage” means something. I irritate those on both sides of the debate by disagreeing with this assertion. I do not care if legal recognition is called “civil union” or “civil marriage”. Words describe principles and concepts, they do not have “inherent meanings”. I doubt that many gay marriage opponents are fighting for the “one man, one woman, children optional, for as long as we feel like it” that is the reality of civil marriage.

Finally, some argue that gay marriage will have all sorts of negative consequences for adoption law and for religious freedom. Both of these issues are legitimate concerns, but they are best dealt with separately. In the case of adoption law, adoption law is based on the best interest of the child, not the rights of the parents. If children are indeed better off with a heterosexual couple than a same-sex couple, then you are going to have to show that this is so and convince society to make sure that adoption laws reflects such findings.

As for religious freedom, if gay marriage has a negative impact on religious freedom, then the problem is that protections for religious freedom are too weak across the board. The controversy over religious groups providing contraceptive coverage has everything to do with religious freedom and absolutely nothing to do with gay marriage. (What do gay couples need with contraceptives, anyway?) If religious freedom is ignored over gay marriage, it will probably be ignored in many other areas, and the problem should be recognized for what it really is.

Faith and Reason

People on both sides of the debate are very sure of themselves, but this issue isn’t an easy one. Especially for heterosexuals who really can’t understand what it’s like to have same-sex attraction.

There can be no conflict between true faith and sound reasoning. True faith leads to truth; sound reasoning leads to truth; truth cannot contradict truth.

If faith appears to contradict reason, the problem must be either mistaken faith or flawed reasoning. Truth is not hidden—it wants to be found. What is true in faith will be confirmed by reason and the natural world, but if the natural world contradicts what the faith believes (such as the case of the theology of the Ptolemaic solar system) then we must re-examine our faith to see if we have misunderstood something.

To say something is “natural” or “unnatural” requires an understanding of nature and while nature doesn’t change, our understanding of it does.

As for the politics, my own prediction is that in the broader view, gay marriage is much ado about nothing. The most stable gay couples will take advantage of it, heterosexual couples will marry (and unfortunately, divorce) like they always have, and life will go on. It is neither the “Civil Rights Movement of our era”, nor the end of Western Civilization.

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Date Night

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With Valentine’s Day approaching, Kate at Real Catholic Love and Sex asks “How do you get ready for “Date Night?

Choosing the Date

The most important thing is choosing what kind of date you are going to have:

  • Something fun in the daytime?
  • Dinner and a movie?
  • Going out on the town?
  • A concert, play, or other specific event?
  • A nice romantic dinner followed by an early night in? 😉

Any of these can be a fun experience depending on what you want.

I think it’s a good idea to balance “romantic” dates with “fun” dates. “Intimate” dates with “activity” dates. It’s good to do different activities and keep things fresh.

Also, since we use NFP, we check the chart.  We all know what hot romantic dates in Phase II can lead to. 🙂

Getting Ready

For guys, getting ourselves ready is pretty easy. Basic hygiene, appropriate dress, perhaps a shave?

So, for me, preparation for the date means preparing the kids for the date.

If we have a babysitter, this means picking up the sitter. If we are taking the kids to Mimi’s/Grandma’s, this means getting the kids ready to go. This means making sure they have everything ready to go and the bags are loaded in the car. It also means keeping them out of trouble while K gets ready.

K always dresses up for date night. She looks stunning. Always. I make sure that I am well dressed too. It’s not for me, it’s for her. I don’t want her to be the beautiful woman with the complete slob of a husband.

The Date Begins

We leave the children with big hugs and kisses and tell them good night. Then the date can begin.

The drive is our chance to transition. To go out of parent mode into date mode. We like to take my car on date nights because it’s nicer, it’s not a minivan, and we can hold hands while I’m driving.

The Big Red Boat - Not a Minivan

The Big Red Boat (Not a minivan)

I put something romantic on the iPod and off we go.

The Perfect Date

There is no such thing as a perfect date. Sometimes it’s easy to feel like there is a lot of pressure to have a fantastic date, especially if you don’t get a date night very often. But the key to date night is to just relax and enjoy yourselves. Enjoy each other and reconnect.

Chasing Waterfalls

One blogger writes about how she is thankful for winter walks with her husband:

It is possible that my level of happiness in life is directly correlated to the number of minutes we spend walking together each week.

I can relate.

K and I love walking together. Our neighborhood is quiet, wooded, and somewhat mountainous, so we can get a good walk in the mornings after we have taken the children to school. It is our way of reconnecting, if even for a few minutes. No phone. No internet. No distractions. Just me and her.

When we were dating and when we were first married, we walked a lot. We walked in the mountains.

K on the Appalachian Trail.

K on the Appalachian Trail.

But our favorite destinations were waterfalls. We went to college in an area where hundreds of waterfalls are in a short drive. We bought a series of books with directions and topographical maps to the waterfalls in the area. Some were just off the road.

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One was in the middle of a city, making for a convenient date night.

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A waterfall, dinner, and a show.

Others were off the beaten path, requiring long drives down gravel roads and long hikes down mountain paths.

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We liked waterfalls because they were the reward for a long hike. You drive, you walk, you scramble. You do all this so that you can see something beautiful at the end. A living work of art.

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I now realize that the beauty wasn’t the waterfall at the end. It was the process of getting there. It was working together. It was spending time with the woman I love, talking about everything and nothing.

We don’t chase waterfalls often anymore. It’s harder to do that with a family. Our children don’t exactly share our fondness for miles of hiking.

But whether we are chasing waterfalls or taking a quick stroll around the familiar hills of our neighborhood, I, too, am pretty sure that my level of happiness in life is directly correlated to the number of minutes K and I spend walking together each week.

Gamble Everything For Love

I often get ideas of blog posts from twitter. Like this tweet from Lauren Dubinsky.

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It has been said that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s fear.

Yet how many people avoid love out of fear? How many people don’t look for something more because they are afraid of “ruining the friendship”?

This is because there is no such thing as risk-free love. Love is always a gamble. Love is always a risk. Because love involves giving yourself fully to another person. It involves being vulnerable. It involves being open.

Vulnerability always carries risks.

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But we are made to love. We are made to give ourselves to others. We are made to receive love. And when we close ourselves off out of fear, we can starve ourselves from the intimacy we need.

Love is risky, but it is often riskier not to love.

Or as writer Anais Nin once wrote: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

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My relationship with K started with a gamble. We met took a class together in college. Our professor was late the first day, so we had a chance to talk with each other. We talked again after class—for nearly an hour.

We became good friends, but she was still with her high-school boyfriend, who was going to another college. But we kept spending time together. Lots of time together.

But this was no way to live. I was crazy about a girl who had a boyfriend. She was crazy about this boy she had just met.

So we gambled. We took a chance. I gambled that she would choose me. She gambled that what I was offering was better than what she had.

We went “all in”. We risked everything. And we won.

And we made out lots.

And it worked out pretty well.

“If you gamble everything for love, you’re going to be alright.”